I, Me, Myself

  成年的25個徵兆
By: Salma Rumman 

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
你的盆栽都還活著，而且你沒辦法拿它們來抽。(意指：大麻)

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
沒辦法在單人床上做愛。

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
你冰箱裡的食物比啤酒還多。

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
你是早上六點起床，而不是才要去睡。

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
在電梯裡聽到你最愛的歌。

6. You watch the Weather Channel.
會看氣象報告。

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “breakup.”
朋友們是結婚或離婚，而不是交往或分手。

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
放假時間從130天縮短為14天。

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
牛仔褲和毛衣已經不算是「盛裝打扮」。

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
當隔壁○○××的小孩不把音響轉小聲，你會打電話給警察。

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
大人們對在你旁邊開黃色笑話覺得無所謂。

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
不再知道 Taco Bell 什麼時候關門。

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
你付汽車保險的錢少了，付車子貸款的錢多了。

14. You feed your dog “Science Diet” instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
餵你家狗兒吃健康狗食，而不是麥當當廚餘。

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
睡沙發讓你背痛。

16. You take naps. 
開始午睡。

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 
共進晚餐和看電影就是約會的全部了，而不是約會開頭的前戲。

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at three in the morning would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 
半夜三點吃一整桶雞翅只會讓你難受，不會讓你好過。

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 
去藥房買的是止痛藥和胃藥，而不是保險套和驗孕棒。

20. A four dollar bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.” 
四塊錢的酒不再是「他媽的好」。

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
真的會在早餐時間吃正常的早餐。

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.” 
不再是「沒辦法再喝那麼多」，而是「沒辦法像以前那樣喝了」。

23. Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
在電腦前的時間，有九成是真的在工作。

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 
為了省錢不上酒吧，而是在家喝酒。

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit what the hell happened?” 
當你發現朋友懷孕，你是向她恭喜而不是問她「幹！你發生什麼事？」

Bonus:26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that it doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.
看完整篇文章，拚命想找證據證明你不符合以上任一項，但這無益於拯救你的老屁股。XD